For the Love of dopamine.*

The revelation of last blog…Meaning of life is only completed in the the lives of others. Considering this while living life is so valuable and the skill to do it intentionally is incredible and honorable but something I clearly havent developed myself.

I have realized the past months of my life were spent arrogantly thinking I was performing acts of kindness. Believing my actions as considered, selfless and of high integrity.

The completion inside me was electric. A soul on fire. A connection to source. A passionate yearning. For that I risked it all consistently and intensely.

As it turns out those meanings, though real we're not mine to define or complete. My meaning was feeding on a compounding addiction to the dopamine.

I risked personal integrity, loyalty and deep trust for another hit. Chasing fantastical moments driving me to joyful tears in my office.

The culmination of it all coming to reality in front of my eyes as I had to speak the words and explain my actions clearly showed me the truth that the meaning is completed in others.

Believing I was the smart one, I was the spiritual one, I was the kind one, I was the OnePositiveDude was peak arrogance.

I was the dopamine addict selfishly chasing my high. Each action abusing trust, patience and kindness.

My soul will have a permanent mark from the damage I inflicted. My mind may move forward but my integrity is stained.

I hurt someone I care about deeply. I can only speak my apology here and believe the meaning is completed inside her.

Written May 3, 2026 8pm pst

Hindsight Update

August 26, 2026 7pm pst

I've read deeply trying to understand this situation more. There's a word for much of what I experienced: limerence.

Clarity can be remarkably effective against it because limerence thrives on uncertainty. That doesn't make the moment clarity arrives any less excruciating. The brain spent all this time assigning significance to ambiguity, hope, and every piece of information. Then suddenly there's clean data where uncertainty used to live.

The neurochemistry is more complicated than blaming dopamine and serotonin, but the reward system is intense. It feels like a spectacular chemical roller coaster. Emotional brain relentlessly chasing something the limbic system identified as vitally important to survival. Escaping brain chemicals is a special kind of challenge.

None of this excuses any of my actions. It does help me understand though. I don't expect every question to find an answer. Forever grateful for the good and intensely sorry for the bad. Finally comfortable with unfinished.