Why do I write?
I want to write . I always wanted to pen intelligent ideas or meaningful discourse. Over the years all my efforts go un-published or leave me feeling shy with imposter syndrome.
Many writers have inspired me to try to put my thoughts out there. Steve pavlina the personal development blogger captured my engagement over and over but nothing I wrote feels like it walks the line of innovative or even informative like his posts. Everything I've read of his even from the beginning always gave me a sense of accomplishment or motivation once completed.
Everything of my own is just a bunch of circles leading to more questions than answers. No real substance arises when I just let the words flow. I'm always dancing around something my mind can't put into words or my heart can't sort out.
I suppose this is just the human condition. Riding a wave of thoughts and you can't even see the beach. The times I feel most in the pocket, feeling that power flow through me is with music.
Get this though, never played a single instrument, can't read a note, never sang out loud but in the car alone and wouldn't know a lyric structure if it smacked me in the face. But when I feel the vibe of a performer it lights me up inside at the deepest levels.
After highschool someone left the CD 311 - Music in my car. I listened to it for months. I sometimes cried in my car alone because I felt seen for some of the first times in my life.
That alone may have a saved my life but I still fumbled through life not even understanding how to be normal or even generally human. One fine evening I ended up in a smokey apartment in Boulder Colorado and was presented some of the purplest mushrooms id seen. Didn't look anything like the ones on pizza.
The heroic dose I ended up with left a friend convulsing on the floor and myself out back of a Wendy's discussing the nuances of the cosmos with a cab driver who refused to drive me 45 mins home. After dialing most everyone in my phone from my dad, my cousins and even my mom's neighbor eventually my sister's friend showed up. On that long ride the music broke me inside.
At this point I don't remember if it was Tori Amos, Jewel, Pink Floyd or the Goo Goo dolls but my life has never been the same. Everything thing is energy and vibration.
Passionate musical performance electrifies that vibration in me. My 20’s compounded with the positivity of 311 and the unending release of powerful rock and alternative bangers at every turn.
My 30s lead to so many independent passionate creators that cracked parts of my heart open I didn't even know existed. Kim Divine with her pure lyrics, Kina Grannis with her soulful renditions of so many great songs and captivating personal originals. This music confirmed ideas and gave me confidence to explore parts of myself I hadn't dared look let alone walk.
As a tough guy, like most who just suppressed everything inside for so long this explosive opening found me my first real love. I instantly grasped it with everything I had and squeezed it into a tiny box of my heart where I keep it and control it to this day.
Now years later music still opens me up to emotion I don't know how to process. Sometimes the right background song on an Instagram reel sends me to tears. Or a live performance just speaks to me in a way that affirms the vibrational energy within connecting to the flow of the universe. Motivating and invigorating me back to the fire of being human. These moments drive passionate creativity and excitement in my soul.
Although of course we eventually become ourselves. Back to the intro of this whole thing. Why am I writing this, what is the use, am I learning, am I teaching, am I still just the shy new kid getting his lunch stolen or maybe the strong confident man with too many years of experience.
I need an escape, maybe some nature or a thick bowl of ramen, a little fresh fish over rice and some culture. 🇯🇵
