15 years and Counting

Most of you reading along these blog posts probably already know about other details of my personal life, those few old friends and supportive family. You also know of my head in the clouds, the world is energy fantasy land framework for the world. However one of the most important parts of my life has been consciously omitted from these posts for her privacy.

We met on the internet in late 2010 like any good modern day relationship. Our loneliness and need for someone to talk to drove us online. We chatted for hours, shared our fav songs and built something quickly. With my ethereal, positive and whimsical personality its a wonder she ever even considered meeting in person.

Her personality was much like me before a heroic dose of psilocybin so I was smitten as much as lookin my own personality in the eyes. Its electric when you see it all in front of you and you can know their mind because its so familiar. Those first couple years were cloud 9 for me.

For her though in grounded, hard working, logical personality its quite a shock when someone tries to tell you the wood table is made of energy and it only feels solid because the electromagnetic repulsion of the particles is different from the vibration in those of your body. The kindness in her heart and the passion for the relationship kept her intrigued. Having to deal with my alternate theory for every form of existence starts to feel like you are dealing with a clown on a daily basis.

Eventually that came to a light a few years later and her words still ring in my head “So F*cking Arrogant”. When I left our shared apartment I thought sure that was the end. My own arrogance convinced me though that I could live in that different reality. Her patience and compassion helped me paint myself within the lines and we decided to continue.

Now 15 years later those lines were tight on all sides of my personality. Everything went stagnant, lockdown put me in a 12×12” box and 10 hr schedule in front of the PC. Honestly its easy now to see how I was hypnotized and willingly just sugar coated my thoughts to keep existing comfortably. She was obviously doing the same for work, personal achievements and prosperity compelled by her passions.

As loneliness and perceived personal inadequacies filled our home we became just as roommates with a schedule that worked to keep us surviving. While we both died slowly inside we found an entertainment in many KD Drama television series and it made us both feel again. Mostly alone and kept to ourselves though. Sometimes hidden tears on the couch or falling asleep in separate beds analyzing the plot of the most recent episodes.

For her this continued on her lunch breaks and alone whenever she had time. For me I searched for more dopamine, playing COD Warzone for hours, Gambling with cryptos and stocks, watching Twitch streams all day while working. Overload for me really but for her it was a passive annoyance even though directly accepted when discussed. Her steadfast work ethic, her calm logical demeanor and stubborn compassion held us together, comfortable.

I told myself all these years felt like I had a stone tethering me to the ground. I told myself it was keeping me from being the best version of myself. Flying high, riding the vibes and living ecentric possibilities of energetic magnetism and manifestation. In my head I was watering down my ideas and diluting the true potential.

One fine day I was scrolling my instagram algorithm which by this point was a finely tuned machine of sappy Kdrama clips, positive affirmations, eclectic music from Kpop to Googoo dolls and a random dancing woman here and there. I ended up being driven to tears unwittingly by a Fred Again Clip with him being interviewed and creating music on the spot. I had no idea why or how it happened but the feeling was bursting in me.

This continued to happen over a period of months with random positive affirmation Reels or YT shorts and even songs I’ve listened to for years having me crying while driving home. Presumably from the lyrics making me feel seen as I wrote in one of my previous blogs. Turns out the constant searching for that positive rush actually drove me to loneliness and sadness. (I think it's called the backwards law.)

Until I was awoken by some experiences on the Internet. A string of events with someone I had hoped to call a friend which. That now I can only express here as dopamine addiction which I wrote about in my apology blog.

This lead to a moment where I had to look her in the eyes and explain not only the current actions but also 10+ years of watering down my ideas and basically using my overwhelming arrogance to continue the relationship of comfort. That video from my birthday blog really solidified my own confusion. The meaning of life is completed in others….. This crushed my loyalty and integrity.

This woman is a rock though. Grounded, confident, unwavering in compassion and understanding. Couple days of crying, sleepless nights, intense discussions, nightmares and racing hearts she carried me through the dark shame of years keeping myself and my emotions inside. There was a resolution and if we were the marrying type this would be were I put the part about getting on one knee and saying something sappy after 15 years.

Here we are grounded and logical. Looking each other in the eyes, confessing failures, commiting to supporting each others personality quirks and helping each other flourish in life means more than paperwork or ceremonies.

I want to live life fully engaged, electric vibes and passionate actions. Through all this I realized my biggest delusion was thinking this rock was tethering me to the ground. All of it was between my ears. In reality its built from the heart out of passion and its the strongest foundation of support for which to live this fully alive life.

I'm constantly impressed by her resolve. I'm enamoured by her perceptions. I'm smitten by her will to understand me. This future is exciting and I want to live fully as myself. You are stronger than Dwayne Johnson and you will always be my rock. I hope many more meanings can be completed with you.

Thank you Irene for your calm resolve and endless compassion.